It’s nearing December and I know now that satisfaction in my career probably won’t come to me any time soon. Part of it is not knowing what I want out of life and my future, the other part is fear that once I find it, I won’t be able to achieve it.
For over a year I was pleased with my freelancing efforts. I got to stay at home, I got to sleep in and make my own schedule. I got to move cross-country without worrying about finding a job when I got there. Everything I created while working was mine, every success was mine. I was stressed out, focused on my clients constantly, but when I provided good work, I got instant feedback and support. The possibilities in freelance work are endless when you’re good at what you do, be it writing, design, or even tech support.
After my contract with Blue Volcano ended, and work for Firestarter slowed down to trickles and bursts of random tasks, I knew I needed something regular. If only to please my money-conscious husband. So for the first time in a long time, I entered the mass of job seekers. This time, in Portland. I went to career fairs and was bombarded with sales positions, I went on Craigslist and was stricken with automotive service writing positions, and was so annoyed that I got a LinkedIn JobSeeker membership to contact employers directly. It took a week and I ended up at Bonfire. After a month of great work and praise, I was on the jobseeking hunt again.
Only this time it wasn’t a hunt. More like an angry, wandering prowl through websites and doubtful possibilities. I didn’t want to go through job loss again. I didn’t want to fail again. I didn’t want to put myself into that position again, in a small agency where my job could be dissolved without cause. I didn’t want to take a contract that could be over tomorrow because the employer ran out of money.
There’s a job that I’ve wanted for months. Technical Writer at my husband’s company. They’re paid fairly, it’s stable, and there are so many employees that there’s room to grow.
It’s been clear to me that no matter what I do, how many people I contact, how many times I contact the recruiter, they’re not hiring any more writers. They’re looking for engineers. Another slap in the face with my degree.
So where am I now? Really hating myself for taking a job that I really didn’t want in the first place for a paycheck. A meager, sliced up one at that with all the taxes and insurance payments that I didn’t have to worry about before. I’m not using my brain at all, I feel pretty stupid and it’s been barely a month since I started doing data entry in a cube. I feel even more stupid knowing that I’m the laughingstock of the office because I took this job with my stellar resume.
I’m kind of hurt, and lost at the moment. Trying to figure out what I want out of my career, so I can go after it, and leave this grey box of click…ctrl+C…click…ctrl+V.